The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

• Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
• Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
• Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
• Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.